Thursday, June 10, 2010

How To Prevent Asexual Assault

1. If someone is invading your space with a complete lack of sexuality, remember your elbow is the strongest point on your body. Use it!

2. Trust your gut. If you cannot imagine someone doing unspeakable things to you, NEVER let them into your car.

3. If someone who is happiest alone comes along and makes you feel uncomfortable, hold your hand in a stop position, scream “NO!” and back away.

4. When someone asks to borrow your pen, and you cannot place them on the sexual continuum, DO NOT hand them your pen. Instead, throw it on the ground and ask them to pick it up.

5. AVOID HANGING OUT IN BUSHES where individuals who reproduce by cell division, spore formation, fission and budding are likely to hide.

6. If you think you are being followed by someone who has no desire to have sex with you,WALK BRISKLY TO A THRIFT STORE, buy a sheer crop top, then step out and confront your assailant head on by turning your cheek and biting your lower lip.

7. Before leaving a party with someone you just met or don’t know well, make certain they are not an amoeba.

8. Never drink from an open container or punch bowl held by someone wearing an “Asexuals Party Hardest” T-shirt.

9. Understand that agreeing to go back to someone’s place can indicate a willingness to play Bananagrams so have the forethought to DRINK HEAVILY AND DRESS PROVOCATIVELY.

10. When a person attempts to tell you they are living happily and sexlessly ever after, force yourself to vomit on them. Remember you are the victim. You have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.

7 comments:

dotism said...

No. 3 had me gently and audibly laughing in a wonderful way... brilliant. These are fantastic, thank you.

Megan said...

I know I shouldn't find humor in sexual assault satire, but damn this is clever!

Ed said...

Good idea. You can do more with this. Please remove the comma following the exclamation point in #3.

stef willen said...

Ed, is that all the more I should do? I was sure you were alluding to a book deal (one with no plot). But, thank you for your suggestion. You are totally correct, and I appreciate it. Stef

stef willen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ed said...

Thank you Stef. That was really bothering me. Love the plotless book idea. Best, Ed

Ed said...

Are you the same Stef Willen who ... you know ?