Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Signs This Film Is Not Your Big Break

You auditioned in your bikini at La Salsa.


You’re the star of an updated version of Little Red Riding Hood and have fallen asleep while on the phone with the director, who is running through the script, when you’re startled awake by him saying, “…and then the wolf’s cock piercing gets caught on your tongue ring.”


The director comes to your house and takes a loud smelly dump in your toilet.


Your first scene is a night shot on someone’s roof. When you question why there are no lights, the camera operator asks if you think the 7-11 down the street has flashlights.


Your character breakdown is: A bitch that dies.


You’re at the director’s apartment sitting in front of a stiff pour of Jack Daniels and discussing the script when he tells you how much you remind him of Jodie Foster. On your way to the bathroom, you discover his Jodie Foster “room.”


You’re running around Griffith Park barefoot wearing a bed sheet and dumping fake blood on a man in his boxers.


The director folds your headshot into fours and puts it into his back pocket.



Saturday, July 11, 2009

I'm In Love With You

I'm in love with you.
That's what I'm trying to say
when I say 
your girlfriend has a horse face.

Lonely Woman Transcribes Things She Hears A Lonelier Woman Say To Her Pomeranians

Get out here! You want to go for a walk? You want to or not?


Don’t you dare pee there! Bad doggie!!! You’re not…you’re not….you’re not paying attention to your mom!


Mama says you’ve been a bad boy. Come on, Honey. We’ve got stuff to do out here.


Where are my fucking papers. I can’t fucking find anything. I HATE MY LIFE!!!


C’mon Sadie, Isis, Elmo; let’s get this over with.


You wanna spank? Mamma’s gonna spank her little girl. No barksies!


Holy cow! I gotta open all those packages….see what I ordered. Usual thing -- I get all the presents, give ‘em away. Nobody gets me anything. Wow. C’mon, get in here, Sadie.


Sadie, quit! Someone’s going to end up with a big spanking. You know that, big boy? C’mon, let’s gosies.


Don’t stop at that corner cause I told you before, you’re going to get hurt. Fucking damn fool!





Sunday, July 5, 2009

An Aviophobe’s Flight Manual


Place right palm on fuselage when stepping off Jetway and into the cabin.


Make certain to get an aisle seat in the back of the plane and memorize how many rows you are in either direction from an emergency exit.


Look around and consider whether your fellow passengers seem like people who would die in a plane crash.


Admit that anyone can die in a plane crash.


Begin drawing circles on you chest with your index finger when the plane’s engines rev for takeoff.


Continue making circles on chest as plane speeds down runway and add silent chants -- either “I’m not done, I’m not done, I’m not done…” or “I’ve got more things to do, I’ve got more things to do, I’ve got more things to do…”


Stop chants and circles when plane clears runway and ask yourself real quick if you are okay with your own death. Try to give an instinctual response, not an intellectual one, and try not to judge that response.


When the wing slats retract, look out closest window and mutter “Whatever happens happens.”