Sunday, December 14, 2008

Advanced Problems

1) Sally is playing with toothpicks. Wait, why?

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Airport Bar Poetry

Didn't this button used to be on the backside? 
She says. She is the star of the airport bar.
She is half Mexican and half Indian 
and her hair is teased and pulled into a side pony tail
that goes down to her ass 
and she is giving the soda gun
a very suspicious look. 

Yes. Her younger, prettier co-worker says. 
Patiently. Thankfully. 
This is not her.

The star of the airport bar
has announced twice that she's back from her lunch break.
To everyone 
and to no one at all.

She calls me Hon, 
and I like it. 

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Advanced Problems

1. It burns when Sally pees. She pees for 30 seconds, yelling "ouch" every three seconds while Johnny is in another room counting marbles. If Sally starts peeing at the same time Johnny starts counting marbles, and Johnny counts aloud every odd-numbered marble, how many times does Sally scream in pain while Johnny says nothing?

2. Mr. Walters plants 42 tulip bulbs in a five foot by 7 foot rectangular garden every spring. Every day after the first day of spring, his dog, Paco, immediately digs up 30% of the flower bed. How many bulbs does Mr. Walters have to replant before he looks up and realizes he's alone?

3. Carol and Pam have been living together for exactly five years. Why don't they love each other in equal amounts?

Thursday, October 23, 2008


We accidentally evolved on this insignificant rock that circles a non-descript star, one of trillions in a vast universe. In the overall scheme of things, our entire existence is meaningless; and those pathetic, egotistical bastards who feel it is important "to make something of their lives" are completely full of shit.

--Scott Willen

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Helpful Hints For Not Realizing You Are Completely (jesusfuckingchrist) Alone:

Sometimes I have a very difficult time eating by myself. Let alone, cooking myself a meal. The sound utensils make when no one else is over for dinner, when I'm not in love at all, is awful. They sound like a dinosaur falling through space, screeching "After 165 million years on Earth, no one even knows my god damn name!!" or it's the sound a glass of water makes when a nurse gently sets it down on my grandma's bedside table, and my grandma can't swallow and her mouth has been open for days like a gash across her face. I can't decide which. 

Anyway, if you know what I mean, may I suggest the following: 

When eating by yourself: make something you can carry like a burrito or a sandwich, and then walk around eating it--maybe even go in the alley---and I swear you won't feel as alone because you will trick yourself into thinking you aren't actually eating dinner because all the perfunctory actions associated with dinner (sitting down at a table with  place settings and loved ones) are removed. 

Of course there are other things that are hard to do when you're completely (jesusfuckingchrist) alone. Here are my simple solutions:

When going to bed: put a pillow between your legs then bring it up to your mouth and french kiss it, then punch it repeatedly and put it back between your legs and try to get some rest.

When in the shower: wait until the tile gets steamed up, then take your finger and write "Hey, you..."

When drinking coffee: do a little dance.

When on the couch:  extend  your leg and point your toe seductively at a throw pillow and run your hand along your thigh and smile at the wall.  Read Eudora Welty. Or Dorothy Parker.

When you realize you're jesusfuckingchrist alone: either call somebody and invite them to a BBQ and then try to find a BBQ that you can take them to, or turn your music up real loud and hope you'll have the chance to apologize.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Yes, this is for sale.

Thanks to Randy Pausch, My Childhood Dreams Seem Very Reachable

Randy Pausch's last lecture at Carnegie Mellon was inspiring. Life didn't pass him by because he tried, tried, tried and loved brick walls. Even though he died too young, he accomplished most of his childhood dreams. Most. That's insane. I've accomplished two. I know this because, after watching his lecture, I rooted around for my childhood dreams and found them in a file labeled, "Funny or Interesting." My childhood dreams were creatively called, "99 Things To Do Before I Die," and were written at age 13 on two stapled pages of college-ruled paper. The two I accomplished--in no particular order: 3) "Take a day off and eat everything that's been told bad for me," and 23) "Go to a big city and get lost." What's especially uninspiring, is that when I got lost in big cities or did nothing all day but swallow cookies, chips, and beer, I had no idea I was fulfilling childhood dreams. 

So, could I be told I have terminal cancer right now and feel as though I gave this world a good spin? No. I still have to, for example, : 19) "Go scuba diving," 24) "Ski bum for a week or two," 71) "Cut and Dye my Hair" 14) "Find Something Amazing!!!", and 84) "Ride an Elephant, Ostrich, and Camel." 

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Magnitude 5.4 Earthquake Shakes Los Angeles

The quake that rattled Los Angeles at 11:42 am was not fun. I came home to the picture you see on your left -- plus some spoons that I don't remember putting on the edge of the sink. I'm still waiting out the 24-hour period when the 5 % chance that this quake was just a precursor to the Big One becomes a 1 % chance. I was working during the quake, and at first, I felt a slight rumble. That was followed by what can best be described as a gentle, erratic rocking. It was as if the house I was in was trying to stand up in its first pair of roller skates. Actually, maybe that's kinda cute. Maybe I'm still waiting for that near-universal instinct to call loved ones to kick in.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Sorry, Haiku

Melissa Etheridge's Failed Haiku

I wanna come all 
over your window--I'll be
home soon as I'm done.

Girl I Have a Crush On

Danced in front of me, 
hit my knee and said "Sorry"
like she missed the trash.

The United States Vs. The American Indian

"It doesn't matter
how long you've been parking here,
we have to tow you.

We're putting up signs
tomorrow, and your car will be
in the museum."

If A=B, and B=C, Then A=C

I think of you, and 
you don't think of me at all.
It's getting creepy.

Los Angeles International Airport Christmas Tally

1 man in snowflake 
sweater, 2 women wearing
Rudolph pins. Only

1 woman wearing 
antlers. Does she take them off
when in the bathroom?