Monday, April 15, 2013

MapQuest to Hipsterville

Online at McSweeney's

1. Start out going all Nostalgic for Something You Never Experienced and go straight into your Grandparents’ Closetand find something to wear, ironically. 0.01 mi
  • If you’ve reached for your grandma’s diabetic socks or your grandpa’s squirrel gun, you’ve gone a little too far.
2. Take the 3rd look at yourself in the mirror. 0.001 mi
  • The ukulele you have no idea how to play is still in your right hand.
  • The vintage Remington typewriter you tell everyone you’re writing your book on has never even come close to your right hand.
3. Merge onto your Fixed Gear Bike via Pushing Off Your Compost Bin. 0.01 mi
  • Your single-origin, fair-trade coffee grounds are now on the flimsy sole of the shoes you bought thinking you were helping a third world country.
  • Your liberal arts degree is in a sweater box under your bed.
4. Take the first right into The Most Independently Owned Retailer. 0.5 mi
  • Air plants are on your right, your left, above you and behind you.
  • There is a sale on three pinecones arranged by a local artist.
  • If you reach for a $75 piece of driftwood, make sure it is whimsical or also a box
5. Do a u-turn on Liking Gourmet Cupcakes cuz they’re soLast Block. 0.2 mi

6. Keep straight on Superhot a Second Ago, then merge intoAn Ethnic Neighborhood. 3.8 mi
  • Your rooftop organic garden is above people living below the poverty line.
  • The high-concept taco truck influenced by one trip to Oaxaca is parked in front of the family-owned taqueria.
7. Turn left onto Do It Yourself Way. 0.7 mi
  • That is not a reclaimed bookcase, it is just a chicken coop.
  • That cannot be up-cycled into a lamp because it is actually a cool-looking jug full of urine.
8. Do It Yourself Way becomes Do It Yourself at Ikea. 11.4 mi
  • Discover that your parents’ check has cleared at the ATM to your right.
  • Buy an Öppen Bowl and repurpose it into an Öppen Dome.
  • Move the umlaut in Flärdfull from the “a” to the “r” because no one is doing that.
  • Carefully arrange some antlers on top of the Bjursta Extendable table, then crawl beneath it and hug your knees and believe that you’re so intelligent that you’re depressed and below the poverty line, when, in fact, you’re middle-class and have nothing better to do but get depressed by buying a mass-produced table. Instagram it. Pin it. Hashtag it. Caster it. Farm-to-table it. Put a mustache on it. Thank your parents for it.
9. Make a slight right into The 1800s and start distilling your own whiskey and pickling things. 10^10 mi
  • If you introduce your black friend as your “black friend,” you’ve almost gone too far.
10. Artisanal Butcher Party becomes Too Aware of Where Meat Actually Comes From. 0.3 mi

11. Turn Slightly Pale and continue on Eating It and Tweeting It. 0.001 mi

12. Enter the Are You a Boy or a Girl Round-A-Bout, exitDoesn’t Matter But Your Hair is Super Confusing. 0.8 mi

13. Stay straight to go on to Standing in a Meadow Looking Dreamy and Wearing a Headband. 5 mi

14. Standing In a Meadow Looking Dreamy and Wearing a Headband becomes Mainstream. 0.3 mi

15. Keep right on Insisting You Always Stood in a Meadow Looking Dreamy and Wearing a Headband to take the Been There, Done That Attitude to A Whole New Level. 10 mi

16. Continue on Refusing Everything to enter Complete Authenticity. 0.0 mi

17. You have arrived at Nothing.
  • If you reach for anything, you’re not making it look effortless.


online at McSweeney's