Sunday, July 5, 2009

An Aviophobe’s Flight Manual


Place right palm on fuselage when stepping off Jetway and into the cabin.


Make certain to get an aisle seat in the back of the plane and memorize how many rows you are in either direction from an emergency exit.


Look around and consider whether your fellow passengers seem like people who would die in a plane crash.


Admit that anyone can die in a plane crash.


Begin drawing circles on you chest with your index finger when the plane’s engines rev for takeoff.


Continue making circles on chest as plane speeds down runway and add silent chants -- either “I’m not done, I’m not done, I’m not done…” or “I’ve got more things to do, I’ve got more things to do, I’ve got more things to do…”


Stop chants and circles when plane clears runway and ask yourself real quick if you are okay with your own death. Try to give an instinctual response, not an intellectual one, and try not to judge that response.


When the wing slats retract, look out closest window and mutter “Whatever happens happens.”